Days 3 & 4 In Which The Smiths Pimpeth and Un-pimpeth and Re-pimpeth ye olde Vehicle of Pleasure.

So it begins. On Monday we left the friendly and helpful confines of Howell, Michigan to venture to parts unknown. First stop, Indiana Dunes State Park in Chesterton, Indiana where we met with our friends-now-witnesses Spiro and Christie Maroulis. Indiana Dunes is a picturesque state park quaintly nestled between the heavy industry of Gary, Indiana and a nuclear power plant. Of course we swam! Indiana Dunes sported a pleasant beach frequented by fish of unusual size with varying numbers of eyes.

Like all RV newbies, the first thing we did when we arrived in the park was to compare our RV to the rest. It was apparent that we had a larger RV than most, a posher RV than most, and were far less adept at RV preparation. Comedy ensued. To the unititiated, preparing an RV may seem as easy as 1) park and 2) sleep, but ‘tis not so. After parking, the RV must be leveled, the electricity must be attached, the water hooked up, the sewer line screwed in, the side-outs sided-out and the awning unfolded.

Remarkably, RV pimping and un-pimping at Indiana Dunes yielded only awning problems. After struggling for 30 minutes trying to get the damn awning rolled up, Jen batted her eyes at a more experience RVer who quickly fixed the problem. My manhood sunk a little, however I was soon behind the wheel again – yielding another testosterone rush. We were not so lucky in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin – tonight’s stop.

Wisconsin Dells is a water-park themed Jersey Shore for Midwesterners. Driving in, I saw a billboard advertising a year-round magic show. Can’t figure out how he survives in the winter. Directly across the street from our RV park is the Mt. Olympus water park which sports a seemingly full-size replica of the Coliseum. Immediately upon entering the Bonanza RV park, we were banded with fluorescent green bracelets giving us free access (and them free advertising) to Mt. Olympus.

We had planned to swim at the pool or maybe even go to the water park after arriving, but the Vehicle of Pleasure had other plans. Today, we learned a few things. One, a sewer line between the RV and the sewer pipe is best kept short with a noticeable grade. Long sewer lines with minimal grades yield slow-flowing sewage requiring manual lifting of previously un-graded sewer lines. Manual lifting often reveals un-noticed holes which yields leaks and a week’s worth of hilarity for an 8 year-old boy. Two, “plugging” the water in is easier than it sounds. In this case, the hose connection broke under initial water pressure which resulted in a sudden and dramatic soaking of Jen. This yielded a week of hilarity for a 5 year-old boy.

After finally setting everything up, we biked to a restaurant called the House of Embers for dinner. Lacking a car, our local transportation system calls for me to attach a “tag-along” (a one-wheeled “extendo-bike” that attachs to my seat stem) for Quin, Jen to carry Sawyer in a bike seat, and Zach to ride by himself. Today was the first unveiling. It worked OK, though our range is limited. By attaching paniers, it’s also what we’ll use for local errands like grocery shopping or buying new water and sewer hoses.

A few other notes… Jen drove for the first time today. We were on a seemingly innocuous stretch of highway after Chicago when we pulled over to switch. After switching, the road suddenly narrowed to two lanes with no shoulders for about 10 miles. Trial by fire!… After seeing the multiple water parks, arcades, gift shops, mini-golf courses and other touristy stuff, Quin told me he wished he lived in Wisconsin… So far, the RV-driving snack food of choice seems to be beef jerky, string cheese and diet Coke. It’s in the fridge, easy to eat, and fabulous for the arteries…. Given the difficulty of preparing different foods for Sawyer, and that he only eats about 8 things, he may only eat yogurt, bananas and cold, plain pasta for 90 consecutive meals.

Yes, as you can see by the above picture, I have grown a beard. The combination of joblessness, a backpacking trip, and a month-long vision quest was too powerful to resist. Since my last beard was about 15 years ago, and its growth was, shall we say, locally productive, I’ve never had a chance to philosophize about a beard.

So, at the risk of heedlessly tossing away my readers and advertising revenue, I will digress into thoughts on men’s hair. For those uninterested in the subject, TURN BACK NOW….. That’s better.

Now that I have a full beard, I am wondering what to do with it. How do I maximize the number of beard styles? It seems that there is a natural evolution of styles. First, one abandons the razor completely. Like a ski slope, you’ve got to build a base. Second, you’ve got to clear some brush. Left untended, there will be no distinction between one’s chest hair and one’s facial hair (or so I’ve heard). Third, the shave down to the jaw-line will allow one to experiment with a little more hair removal without damaging the beard’s essence. Fourth, go for lamb chops. Be Elvis. Fifth, the goatee. So, with one beard, you can generate 5 distinct styles. I’m on stage 3.

Now that I’m on the subject of men’s hair, here’s another thought that I’ve never had a chance to publish (you’re so lucky). It seems to me that men’s hair obeys a natural Law of Hair Conservation. Men’s hair is neither created nor destroyed, it simply moves around. How else to describe a receding hairline and the appearance of, say, ear hair? Why else would the baldest people have the hairiest backs? Clearly, there’s a lot to think about here…

While I’m on the subject, how great would it be to have eyebrows like J.R.R. Tolkein? I’m going to put that on my Bucket List. With that, I sign off.